The Naughty List
by Queenizzay
Summary: Watch out world! Santa's a woman this year. Guess who's on the naughty list. [SM Holiday One-shot]


**Disclaimer:** Maybe one day.... 

**A/N: **Just for giggles. X3 Please excuse the lack of detail and grammar for the lack of time I took writing it. After all, Christmas is just around the corner -wink wink- This story is cheesily stupid, so beware. If you want a well thought-out, content/plot filled story I suggest going elsewhere 3 This is just for smiles and laughs.

* * *

"Kohaku."

"Nice."

"Shippo"

"Nice."

"Souten?"

"Eh....Give her a new box of crayons, but make a few of 'em coal colored. She'll get the picture."

Christmas was just around the corner and Santa _still_ hadn't finished checking off the list. Children were easy, there were rarely ever anyone on the naughty list. The prospect of coal never appealed to them, so past Santa generally never had to deal with it. It was the adults, however, who posed the problem...

"Koga."

"Naughty, but with good intentions. I'll give him a break - Nice."

The head elf, Kagome, looked at the next name with a sigh. She really didn't need to ask.

"Inuyasha?"

"Naughty. Maybe a toaster... He needs one, and it'll break in a week anyhow."

"Ayame."

"Nice."

"Marla?"

"...she's Jewish."

"Oh, right. Eiri?"

"Nice."

Miro--"

"Coal."

"But Santa!" Kagome protested, "He's been really good this year!"

"Compared to what?" Santa scoffed, sending the elf a glare. "A jackal? He gets coal this year, Kagome. The same as last year. And the year before that. And the year before that one."

Kagome sighed and shook her head in amazement. Five straight years Miroku Houshi had received nothing but coal for Christmas. And for five straight years, Santa refused to acknowledge that his existence on earth was to anyone's benefit but brothel owners; which wasn't entirely true. Four years ago Miroku had volunteered at a soup kitchen for his community service project.

"And gotten fired for feeling up one of the refugees..." Santa pointed out blandly, correctly reading the head elf's facial features. "Who else could manage to get fired from a volunteer job?!"

"Well... He _did_ take care of that orphan earlier last year."

"And the poor boy's probably scarred for life! Coal, Kagome. And I won't hear another word about it."

Bowing her head in submission, Kagome jotted the note down on her list, turned on her heel, the little bells on her red boots jingling. As the candy-cane door clicked shut behind her, Santa sighed, taking a sip of cocoa. The whole 'Christmas thing' was a lot different then Santa had imagined. When the last Claus had taken an early retirement ("In Italy," he has grinned, "they don't open presents until _July_, you know...), he had turn the job of Holiday Cheer over to his oldest heir.

And currently, Santa was not very cheerful.

First of all, everyone in the world had Santa pictured as a male. Santa cautiously pulled out the top of her jacket, not failing to miss the lump her chest made. Yup. She was a girl all right. Another cliché was that she was fat, with white hair. Santa considered herself anything but fat... Sure, she wasn't American model thin, but she wasn't largely obese either. Tugging at a strand hair falling out of her red cap, Santa also noted that her hair wasn't gray either. Unless brown was the new gray... Who knew. Those earthly fads changed too often to keep track of.

"I think I'll go pay earth a little visit..." She muttered, sucking on a candy cane. The room shook as a few shelve fell over, Kagome immediately reappearing in the doorway.

"Now? You're going down _now_?!"

"That's what I said, wasn't it?"

Kagome began to panic, flipping open a gold pocket watch, "But there's only 6 days, 4 hours and 56 minutes until Christmas Eve! 55!"

"Don't get your boots in a curl," Santa grumbled, tugging a green cap over her head, "How much trouble could I get into in the _mortal_ world?"

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

"Kagome," Santa called out futilely, in case the elf just happened to hear. The sky was a deep blue... Much like the roof of the apartment complex next to her. In face, it was the _exact_ same shade of blue of a building she had passed an hour ago, and two hours before that. Only now, it seemed to glisten with frost in the cold night air. Sango had come to a conclusion.

She was lost.

Covering her frozen ears with her equally frozen hands (gloves were the most useless invention, she concluded), Santa sank down with a sigh against the brick wall surrounding the apartment building. What kind of Santa managed to get herself lost in such a mundane town? Everyday people passed her by without notice. Children ran ahead of their parents, yelling excitedly that Christmas was coming. The young and invincible population of the world walked in groups of three or five, noses red from the cold and mouths full of gossip. Couples strolled down the side walk, hand in hand, dreaming of mistletoe and candy kisses.

Santa knew everyone of them.

"Eiri, Ayama, Koga, Yuki," she counted off, eyeing each one, "Geroge, Hiro..."

"Excuse me, Miss?"

"Miroku."

"Yes?"

Santa's eyes snapped up. She took in his dark denim jeans, his royal purple snow coat and the adorable purple beanie on his head (She'd picked that out for him several years ago. She always had thought he wore purple well).

"Have we met?" Miroku asked cautiously. _Have they met_? Sango knew everything there was to know about this man! The color of his eyes in the summer, his weight, how big his d-...eltoids were. Miroku worked out. But he didn't need to know all that.

"Um, no." Santa breathed, feeling her face heat up.

"Of course not," he grinned, showing off that perfectly charming smile. Santa must have been hallucinating because his teeth were whiter then freshly fallen snow. _No_ one's teeth could be that white. "I could never have forgotten a face as beautiful as yours."

Oh yes, Santa knew him all right. She _knew_ he would say something cliché and she had just the comeback.

She sneezed.

"You must be freezing," he said, a hint of worry in his voice, "How long have you been outside?"

Santa shrugged. Hours, minutes, days? What did she know? Time moved differently in the human world and she had lost track ages ago.

Miroku's bare hand was suddenly on her cheek, feeling the icy-coldness of her skin. She silently moved it to her forehead and cringed at the sudden heat.

"Come on," he said gently, pulling her arm around his neck and supporting her lower back. "We've got to get you warmed up."

Sango felt her head nod and roll onto his shoulder. Her eyelids gained weight and she closed them, taking a deep breath in. Miroku smelt like Cinnamon.

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

"Oh gosh... Oooooooh gosh!"

"What is it Kagome?" Rin asked, skipping the war zone. Papers and broken candy canes littered the floor. It looked as though a rabid dog had come in and chewed up the sofas, or Naraku had missed 'Days of our Lives'....

How that man became an elf was still a mystery.

Rin looked around at the mess in shock. Kagome, head elf of Kringles Incorporated, the neatest most organized mythical creature she knew, had thrown a temper tantrum. "Um... Kagome?" She called out tentatively picking up a shredded paper with names scrolled across. "Don't you need this list?"

Kagome looked at the naughty/nice list, now merely shreds of scrap paper and covered her eyes, sinking down into the debris.

"There's only 4 days, 14 hours, and 19 minutes until Christmas Eve..."

"And Santa isn't back yet?" The young elf guessed. Kagome made a groan and hid her head in her hands.

"4 days, 14 hours, and 16 minutes..."

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

Click, click, click.

Miroku gazed at the woman on his couch for probably the sixteenth time that minute. She just looked so... serene, laying there. Helpless. In his gray nightshirt.

Not that he was thinking anything naughty of course. After all, Christmas was just around the corner and he wanted to get on Santa's good side. For once. Pushing away his laptop, Miroku wiggled himself out of his desk. Trashy romance novels could wait.

Hearing a moan come from her lips, Miroku leaned over her, watching her face. Slowly, her features warped into a frown and her eyes opening one at a time.

"Hello." He smiled down at her.

"Hullo."

"How are you feeling?"

The woman took a visual check of herself. All limbs seemed to be present. Her head kind of ached though, her hair felt wet and she was wearing different clothes. It was the latter observation that disturbed her the most.

"What the hell did you do?" She accused, immediately sitting up. Miroku held his hands in the air, shaking his head.

"I had a neighbor come over and get you changed. Your clothes were soaked, you would have gotten even more sick."

Recalling the previous events, Santa figured that perhaps he was right. Maybe. That didn't excuse him for being a pervert the rest of his life though. Huffing in annoyance she pulled the covers up and tighter.

"So is that the thanks I get?" Miroku asked, shaking his head in disbelief. "I save you from almost certain death, I shelter you from the cold, I even lend you my shirt, and all I get is a glare and a huff? Not even a name..."

She laughed. "My name? I'm San...go."

"Saan-go?"

"No no, not Saaan-go. S_on_go." Oh yes. She was good. Sango was a little girl she remembered from a naughty/nice list last year... If Santa remembered correctly, she was quite hard to place. "I'm Sango Kring."

"Well, Sango Kring, Miroku Houshi, at your service. Then again..." He grinned, "I think you already knew that."

Ignoring his unspoken, yet obvious question, Sango looked toward the TV. "Do you have anything to drink? I'm thirsty..."

"Sure," he sighed, leaving the room. As he did so, Sango fully took in her surroundings. Abstract pictures hung on chalk-blue colored walls. Imitation statues of Greek gods and goddess were in each corner and by the door, along with a few fake Egyptian artifacts. He had a desk, pushed up against the wall adjacent to the kitchen, and the glow of a laptop glared back at her. When she heard his footsteps in the kitchen, Sango turned back, staring at the telly once more. Miroku came up behind her, holding a steaming cup out for her.

"I would have made you coffee, but my coffee maker kind of... disappeared."

"Oh?" 'Sango' asked, taking a test sip. It wasn't as good as Rin made it, but it would suffice. Besides, it had marshmallows in it. Any drink was automatically good with those tiny white puff balls of love. "You have a toaster though," she commented, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

"And it's such a lovely toaster..." Miroku sighed, gazing longingly toward the kitchen. Sango knew all about _that_ little fiasco. A toaster for a coffee maker. Miroku stopped his mental coaxing of toast, surprise on his face. Miroku turned to her. "How did you know that?"

"Well..." Sango took a sip. "I'm Santa."

Miroku was silent for a while, before laughing.

"Santa, huh?" Sango nodded, calmly sipping her drink.

"If that were the case, I would have thought you'd be a little more tolerant to the cold. You live in the North pole, after all."

Sango shook her head, frowning. "That's all propaganda. We're actually stationed in Wisconsin."

"...oh."

"Yeah."

Miroku shifted on his feet uncomfortably. Well this was grand. There was a gorgeous woman sitting on his couch. The only problem was that she was insane. Grand. Absolutely grand.

Picking up his disbelief, Sango set her cup down in her lap.

"I really am Santa, you know..."

"Of course you are."

"No! Watch!" Sango wiggled her noes. "It's snowing now." Miroku stared at her. "Really! Go check."

Just to give the woman giggles, Miroku walked to his window and pulled back the curtain. Surely enough, little white flakes were filling the sky. Miroku stared out, still doubtful. Anyone could have guessed it would snow, it was cold enough for that.

Then suddenly, without warning. The snow halted. Moments later it started up again, falling even heavier, before stopping completely again. Shaken from the strange phenomenon, Miroku stepped back from the window and stared at Sango, who was still wiggling her nose. She stopped and grinned triumphantly up at him.

"_Still_ don't believe me? Fine. I can name every gift you've gotten for the past six years. Which isn't hard, because you got more coal then anyone..."

Shaking his head slowly, Miroku stopped her. _Anyone_ would be convinced after being reminded of every pair of socks: shade, length, decoration, someone had gotten over the years.

"Sango... I ..." Miroku shook his head, a thought coming to him. "Santa doesn't have buns of steel."

Outraged, Sango threw a pillow at him. "So you did cope a feel!"

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

"That's it!" Kagome declared, gathering up every toy sword, ninja kit, and bow and arrow set she could find. "I'm going to go find her."

"Kagome..." Rin spoke cautiously. Kagome was a tad bit scary in combat armor. Little red elf dresses were _not_ meant to be worn with kneepads, head bands and weaponry. "There are an million different places she could be, how do you think you'll her."

"I'm head elf," She said confidently, lacing up black combat boots. Who could wear green curly shoes at a time like this? "I _know_ these things, I'll bring her back before the 1 day, 18 hours and 15 minutes until Christmas Eve are up!"

"Well... I suppose if anyone could do it, it would be you."

"Damn straight!" Kagome yelled, snatching up a plastic sword. "To battle!"

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

Miroku had to, understandably, sleep on this idea of Santa crashing on his couch. When he emerged from the bedroom the next morning, he eyes were red from lack of sleep and his hair sticking up every which way. Sango was already awake, flipping through channels with the remote.

"How can you people stand to watch these stuff? There's no content to any of it..."

"It's called boredom," Miroku sighed, sitting on the floor in front of her. Sango paid him no mind, continuing to click the remote.

"So why is it, out of all the billions of residents in the world, did you end up on my couch?"

_Click, click, click._

Sango shrugged, "It wasn't where I meant to be. This is just kind of where I ended up."

"Oh, so you've taken a fancy to me?" That was a promising thought.

_Click, cli-_

"And to think," she smiled sarcastically, "You were so close to getting that coffee maker..."

"Damn. I guess I'll just have to be extra good for next year." Miroku leaned in close, for unknown reasons, and Sango casually leaned away, letting him fall head forward into the couch.

_Click_, _click._

"You know... you shouldn't take advantage of immobilized mythical creatures. This is how essentially good people, much like yourself, end up on the naughty list."

"Then why do you always give me coal? I thought it was Inuyasha playing a long-term joke or something!"

"Well..." Sango shrugged, "You're a perv."

Miroku couldn't argue that one. "What about this year? I saved your life after all."

"And then felt me up."

"You should take it as a compliment!" Miroku placed his hand on his chest. "I wouldn't have groped you if I didn't truly believe you had a nice ass."

"Yes, well..." Sango turned her head to look at him, "You have nice deltoids."

"Thanks," Miroku grinned, leaning toward her. And this time, Sango didn't move away. She let the man she had detested, secretly adored, brush his lips against hers and it sent chills up her spine like no amount of snow could ever do. Sango felt his hand move from her thigh (though how it ended up there in the first place, Sango couldn't remember) up her arm to cup her chin, tilting it so he had better access.

"SANTA!"

Sango and Miroku moved apart as the door exploded into splinters, dust and smoke filling the room. From out of the wreckage emerged the head elf, flame-thrower in her hands.

"Santa!" She cried again, running into the room, "Thank the holiday's you're all right! And with 19 hours, 54 minutes and-"

"Kagome. Did you just blow up this nice man's door?"

"Umm...." Kagome looked back over her shoulder at the empty doorway. "Well... Technically... No. I burned it. It just happened to make a large 'Boom' sound... So no," She smiled cheerfully, "no I did not."

Sango sighed and looked at Miroku apologetically. "Sorry," she mumbled, "I'll deliver a new one tonight..."

Miroku nodded dumbly. "And my coffee maker?"

"And your coffee maker." Placing a kiss on her hand, she touched her hand to his cheek before pushing off the covers. Kagome gasped.

"Santa! Where are your boots? Your puffy pants? Your gloves, your hat, your-"

"I'll tell you on the way home, Kagome." Sango sighed, gathering up the clothes Miroku has so thoughtfully folded up for her. "See you tonight, Miroku."

"Miroku? Miroku_ Houshi_? Mirocoal Houshi of 9999 XXdrive? The _same_ Mirocoal Houshi you've given coal to for the past 5 years, the Miroku you tried to get your dad's reindeer's to run over? The same-"

"We'll be leaving now!" Sango declared, wiggled her nose, and disappeared.

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

_It was dark, nearly completely black, when Miroku snuck out of his bed that night. He'd heard rustling in the living room and he knew who it was. Checking himself out in the dim reflection of the mirror, Miroku crept into the living room to see Santa hunched over under his tree. Her hair was long and wavy, flowing down her back. As promised, his door was restored and Miroku could smell the heavenly aroma of coffee flowing from the kitchen. Sneaking up behind her, Miroku wrapped his arms around her waist, leaning over to whisper in her ear._

_"Breaking and entering?" He teased, "Do I have to put you on the naughty list?"_

_As Santa turned her head to his, Miroku gasped in horror, letting go and backing up._

_"What is is?" 'Santa' asked. But that defiantly wasn't Miroku's Sango-Santa. For starters... this was a guy._

_"What? Don't you recognize me?" Naraku asked, puckering his lips for a kiss._

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"_

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

"Miroku?" Sango asked, peaking her head in the door. Miroku stiffened, drawing the covers up to his eyes. "Miroku, what are you doing?"

"Sango!" He breathed, falling out of bed with a 'thump' before crawling on all fours to her feet. "Thank god it's you!"

"Were you expecting anyone else?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "Get off the floor, you're wasting my time. I'm on a tight schedule here. We've got," Sango looked at a watch on her wrist, "exactly 3 minutes and 42 seconds."

"That's it?"

"I've got the whole world to visit, Miroku."

"You know..." He drawled on, climbing to his feet and standing close, "I love you in that red suit... You wear it well." Sango bit her lip when he kissed her below the ear.

-enter random song-

"I really can't stay..." Sango fidgeted

"But baby, it's cold outside!"

"I've got to go away...."

"It's cold outside" Miroku repeated. "I've been hoping that you'd drop in."

"This evening has been so very nice"

"I'll hold your hands," Miroku promised, grabbing them "They're just like ice!"

"Kagome will start to worry..."

"Beautiful, what's your hurry?"

"I really can't stay." Sango's resolve was fading a way.

"Baby, it's cold outside."

-end random song-

"Surely you can stay for a _little_ while." Miroku pressed, bringing her hand up to his lips. "Say... 15 minutes."

"Fifteen minutes?" Sango blushed when he lay a gentle kiss on her skin. Miroku grinned.

"Fifteen minutes."

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

Stretching in the sun flowing from his bedroom window, Miroku smiled to himself. He'd just had the most amazing night of his life, and now, to make everything complete, It was Christmas. Perfect. Reaching for the remote, Miroku flipped on the television.

"In today's news..." The reported started out, "Santa seems to have disappeared en route to Arizona, and not all gifts have yet been delivered. Police are investigating the disappearance right now, and the president may be coming forward to address the public sometime before dinner.

"We'll keep you updated on the progress in the case of the missing Claus, and stay tuned for a report on the sled teams that are searching Minnesota in case Santa crashed."

Sango yawned beside him, curling up on her side. Miroku looked down at her and grinned. "Morning, Beautiful."

"Morning..." she mumbled.

"If you have any information on the missing Santa, please, contact us immediately..."

Sango sat up, her eyes wide with worry.

"Shit..."

Miroku shrugged and grinned lazily. Sinking down into the covers more, he slipped his arm around her waist. "Soooo... Does this mean I'm moving to Wisconsin?" Sango slapped his chest and made to get up. Miroku pulled her back down, nuzzling her neck.

"Worry about it later, you can help me celebrate the holidays." Miroku sniffed. "Do I smell coffee?"

The End.

Or is it.....

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

Kagome blew her bangs out of her face, munching on cinnamon candy canes. She discarded the wrapper over the side of the sleigh, watching it tumble down the blue roof.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream. C'mon Prancer! Sing with me! Row, row, row you're boat, gently down the stream! Merrily Merrily Merrily Merrily, life is but a dream.... Row, row, row...."

Eh.... Yeah. The End.

Really. It is.

Row, row.....

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You might not get the 15 minutes thing fully if yu haven't seen Down with Love. If you haven't, I suggest going out and doing so. Right now. The new cast at was written by Margo XD The beta with too much free time. OH! And this story wasn't betaed x.x so if there are grammar and spelling mistakes galore, please bare with me. I think Margo's doing the Christmas thing today ) so maybe I'll post a beta'd version later. Hope you got a giggle or two Happy Holidays

**PSSSS! I would love a mailbox full of reviews for Christmas X3 just incase you were wondering...**


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